wrecking shop

Who is this J9 anyway?

2007-01-31T17:12:00.000-08:00

I was born into the slave trade in Asia where I grew up under a strict but compassionate master. From the time I could stand, I worked in the rice fields picking up stray grains of rice individually with twigs of straw which developed my ability to snatch flies out of the air with chopsticks (comes in handy at Sushi restaurants). Despite having grown up in Asia, I never could get the hang of the language and learned English by sneaking into a nearby military base and listening to American songs on the radio.

When I was 14, while working the fields, I accidentally fell into a passing farmers boat piled high with cabbage and couldn’t dig myself out. As it turns out, that pile of cabbage was headed for a larger boat that was bound for America, and me with it. For two months, I ate nothing but cabbage (it gives you terrible gas and to this day, if I even look at coleslaw I almost fart). When I arrived in the US, I quickly found out that although my English was quite good, having learned from radio, I only knew how to ‘sing’ in English and couldn’t actually ‘speak’ it so decided I needed to learn more and began reading cereal boxes and other food packaging which allowed me to develop a deep understanding of the caloric intake of food and landed me a job with the Surgeon General. My first assignment was to develop recommendations for a proper diet to be published as an eating guideline for America. I came up with the idea of a food pyramid and having grown up with measly scraps, I recommended outrageous portions of meat, fish, dairy and grains (no cabbage) to satiate my desire for the abundance of food available in this country.

Feeling as though I’d contributed all I could to the Surgeon General, I decided it was time to move on and contemplate my next career. I wandered into what looked like a nice park and sat on the well manicured grass and thought about becoming an airplane repo-woman (despite the fact that I had no idea how to fly and had never even been on a plane. In fact, I couldn’t even make a decent paper airplane as it would always swoop back straight at me when I tried to throw it). That’s when I got hit in the head with the golf ball which turned out to be another fortunate stroke of luck. A nice man named Arnold Palmer rushed over to see if I was OK and apologized profusely. When I inquired about what he was doing with the club and the white ball, he offered to teach me and asked me to join him and his friends. As it turns out, I had a natural gift for the game of golf and was soon playing on the LPGA tour until I had a very unfortunate run in with a slightly mad squirrel with oversized teeth. After several plastic surgeries to repair the scars, I emerged not as the flat-chested brunette I was before, but now a busty blonde and have since dedicated my life to providing mental support to disgruntled rodents who have been displaced as a result of golf course developments.

A true fact about me: The first two times I was in an airplane, I never landed.

Tour de Bar - Last Year's Recap

2006-08-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

9 pints of beer $45.00

Band-Aids $2.50

Repairing 2 flat tires $16.00

Watching Matt go flying over the handlebars of the BMX bike he had when he was 8 during 'tour de bar' last year...priceless

A little recap of last year...

Bar 1: 50 sober people show up at a pub at 1pm and neatly stack and lock up their bikes and proceed to drink a pint.

Bar 2: The same 50 people take off at the same time from bar 1 and ride to bar 2, taking up the whole road on their way and annoying drivers. They stack and lock their bikes neatly and proceed to drink a pint.

Bar 3: A small group of troublemakers start racing ahead of the rest to be the first to get a pint at the next bar. They still neatly stack their bikes but can't be bothered to lock them. The rest of the crowd is a few minutes behind and they all proceed to drink a pint.

Bar 4: Now buzzing, the trouble-crew takes off to the next bar where they toss their bikes into a pile and proceed to chug a pint. Everyone is now sporting name tags with lines like 'your cock wakes me up in the morning' and 'ask me about circus tricks' and 'my headlights are on'.

Bar 5: After untangling their bikes from the massive pile, the trouble-crew race off to the next bar and somewhere along the way, Matt loses control of his ridiculously-small BMX bike and takes a header over the handlebars...his friends laugh at him and proceed to chug a pint.

Bar 6: Now drunk, the trouble-crew is 10 minutes ahead of the rest. They arrive at the next bar where Donkey and J9 nearly get them kicked out for spraying beer on each other. The rest of the gang, arriving 10 minutes later, gets glares from waitstaff despite their complete innocence.

Bar 7: Drunk, J9 hops off a curb right into Tom's bike and wipes Tom out. His friends laugh at him. A very loud and very obnoxious trouble-crew roll into bar 7 and proceed to chug a pint.

Bar 8: Tom pulls up to the Wing Dome, trying to look cool and wipes out, for no reason at all, in front of a crowd of people sitting on the patio. Matt goes into a wobble and loses control of his BMX and does another superman over the handlebars and J9 brakes hard and ends up with two flat tires. Their friends all laugh at them and proceed to chug a pint. The trouble-crew starts a watergun fight on the patio and nearly gets kicked out.

Bar 9: We never made it to bar 9...we were too drunk.

Suffice to say, we didn't get invited back this year...so we're having our OWN! (pictures of the drunkenness to follow)

Too cool for school...

2006-07-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Need I say more?

The Twins

2006-07-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

We’d like to welcome a couple newcomers…Jillian’s twin girls (Mary Kate and Ashley) who were implanted on Thursday June 29th and are recovering well. Jillian describes them as a ‘spillover C’ but we’ll give you an opportunity to judge for yourself.

Jill, I hope this wasn’t induced by your complete and utter slaughter in the cleavage contest, even losing out to Kevin’s ass…

(the following is just an example before and after and not actually Jillian...we expect the real before and after to be considerably more ridiculous)

The Legend of Rob Burgandy

2006-06-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

His name was Rob Burgandy. He was a like a god walking among mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Rob Burgandy was the balls!

Whether dancing around cops in Whistler, cigarette in hand... showing off his standing 720's... or pulling a mitchell and backing out of things he swore he'd show up to... you can always hear Rob Burgandy blaring out his catch phrase, with barely a hint of a drunken slur... "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" Things were going well for Rob to say the least.

...and then he made a bet. And lost! Perhaps the chance of winning and having J9 show up in nothing but bikini bottoms and pasties to serve him and his friends drinks for an evening was too much to not go for it. But quitting smoking for 30 days is hard. Even harder when you're a borderline alcoholic. I guess rich mahogany and Merlin Olsen weren't enough this time, because it was too hard for Rob Burgandy. The photos from the resulting car wash explain everything.

Breaking News: June 20, 2006

2006-06-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

Breaking news - Seattle, WA
Just discovered today... Jillian and Tom will apparently be unveiling a new porn dvd. This reporter was provided a photo from their press packet, and based on this I can only assume the dvd will be titled "Two cheeseballs who love having their picture taken." Considering that neither Tom nor Jillian have spontaneously called me in the last 5 minutes to deny this startling accusation, this reporter can only assume all statements above are 100% true and accurate. My next step will of course be to notify Jill's husband and Tom's girlfriend of my startling discovery, and then hide outside their windows to see if I can get any good footage of them fighting... or watching tv or something. I wonder if it's still against the law to be a peeping tom if you know the people you're peeping on... and they're not doing anything good anyway. Oh well... we'll find out.

Reasons you should never have an Asian Trail Guide

2006-06-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

June 29th, 2006

Last night went for a bike ride with Tom. Enough said. I have heard stories of him getting people lost and winding up miles from where they were supposed to be, but didn't think last night would be my night? Tom will say that we weren't lost. I agree we were not lost but after hearing him say "Oh this doesn't look familiar? Don't remember it looking like this? or Just a little farther we are almost there." (It was never just a little bit farther) I got a little worried.

Our journey began at about 7pm on a small uphill at Tiger Mountain. Already tired he says to me, "ok are you ready?" I say 'yes' and that is when the bomb drops. He says, "ok 3 miles straight up." It is like Tolt on crack! My jaw drops and the phrase, "What the F^%*&*( r u crazy? I can't believe you waited to tell me that now!" comes out of my mouth. We proceed to ride up this gravel service road for 3 miles. I am riding and walking, mostly walking b/c my legs are so shot from 2 intense days of leg workouts, running, and those lunge things Janine had us do.

So we proceed up and Tom keeps saying, "Just a little bit longer, we are almost there." That phrase seemed to be the phrase o' the entire ride. Funny thing is....we were never almost there. We hit a point on the hill and I could see a marker up ahead that says either mile 15 or mile 1.5. I tell him that if the marker says 1.5 ' I am going to kill him.' He rides up ahead to check out the marker. Smart guy he knows death is coming. I catch up and sure enough it says. "Mile 1.5." I can't believe at this point we have only made it half way! I proceed to call Janine, leave her a voicemail of where to find Tom's body b/c I am going to kill him, but want to be curteous enough that someone will find his dead rotting carcas. As we proceed, Tom all of a sudden becomes very chipper. He starts to talk about the rewards of doing this bike ride and to think about those rewards and it will push me to make it to the top. So I tell him, "Ya know you are right. Doing this bike ride makes me think about what I get to eat when I am done(never had dinner btw), how smokin I will look in a bikini, all the while plotting your death for making go up this god awful hill." He looks to me and says, "whatever gets you up the hill baby. If plotting my death works then go with it." Man that is love ;) Haa haa

So we FINALLY get to the start of the fun trail. I think GREAT! Let's go! Tom says, "Hmmm...doesn't look like the trail I remember? The trail I usually go on looks different than this." I am about to freak out at this point, but I keep my cool. I didn't just leave both my lungs and legs on that 3 mile ride up to hear Tom say, "Hmmm this doesn't look right." So we take the trail and it was a blast. It was riding I have never done before. Huge roots, rocks, jumps etc. I was amazed at myself and the bike. It was hardcore off roading. This trail is what this bike was made for.

The trail turned out to be a little longer than Tom had expected (big surprise) and as we are riding he says that we need to keep moving b/c it is getting dark. We fly down the trails but it is too late, it is getting dark.

We come to the end of the trail, hit the gravel service road and Tom says, " Hmmm this doesn't seem right." OMG! So we take the road and start riding...for a while. I am really starting to run out of steam. Tom rides up ahead b/c I get the feeling he doesn't know where we are at. Yep turns out he is getting worried himself as he tells me later. He rides up ahead, I catch up and there he is at the mouth of another trail. He says to me, "This is the trail that I know. I know this trail will for sure take us back to the car." I don't know wheather to believe him or not at this point, but I take it anyways b/c it is getting dark and god knows what critters live up on Tiger Mountain. We ride the trail. I could have sworn the marker said it was only 1 mile. Nope it was more like 3-4 miles. The trail was pretty much pitch black except for Tom's little light that attached to the handle bars. I have to admit...I was HATING the bike ride at this point. I couldn't see, I was utterly exhausted and I was getting nervous about what animals could or would attack me. I think I said the word SH&^&* and F&%&* 50 times back to back.

We got to a point on the trail and I had enough. Literally threw my bike to the side and had to walk away for a moment or I was going to kill Tom. A few moments later I get back on the bike. A little ways down, we stop again and Tom says, "We are almost there, just a little bit farther." I then say to Tom in my most calm voice yet. "Baby don't take this the wrong way, but if I hear you say ' we are almost there, just a little bit farther ' one more time I am going to blow up, b/c we are NEVER almost there. Almost there means we have another 3 miles."

We finally make it back to the car. It is now 10:00pm. At this point can't even show any emotion. I am so hungry and worn out that I have a limp and have shut down. I basically direct Tom to Taco Time so I can have the worlds largest burrito. On the way home. Tom says that he is sorry. I feel bad b/c I know he didn't mean to put me through boot camp hell, but it was just too much after the 2 days before of hard core leg and cardio work outs.

I make it home and pass out from biking god knows how many miles and eating the worlds largest burrito. I am now sore, tired and fat. Life is good...but have learned to never have an Asian biking trail leader on Tiger Mountain.

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 5)

2006-06-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

She wants to know if the thong makes her butt look fat
She's about to demonstrate the proper technique to execute a cannonball
She's just trying to earn a little extra cash, is all
She’s re-enacting scenes from last night at cowgirls

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 4)

2006-06-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

The guy in the middle just announced he has an 11” penis
The guy on the left asked the other guys if they’d like to ‘come over some time and maybe practice a little pitching and catching…’ The guy in the back seems interested (or he just didn’t get it).
The guy on the left just farted, the guy on the right just smelt it, and the guy in the back hasn’t yet…but is about to.
The guy in the middle has super long arms and is giving the guy on each end a "reach around."

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 3)

2006-06-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

Karen is trying to turn Thomas on by rubbing her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny (did I mention tiny?) boobs all over him.
Jillian just announced that she wants to get together with Thomas and Karen for a threesome.
Karen just burped in Thomas’s face and is running away giggling.
Nancy is distracting Karen while Chris gives Thomas a wedgie.

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 2)

2006-06-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

The guy just asked if she would like to come back to his place to wrestle naked in chocolate pudding with him and his midget friend Paco.
The guy didn’t even get a chance to say anything. He just has really bad teeth.
She’s helping him put his glass eye back in after he used it to fill in for the missing cue ball on the pool table.
Some guy was walking by to go to the bathroom just as a retarded girl was giving directions.

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 1)

2006-06-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

The guy buried in the sand is thinking about how he really needs to go to the bathroom right now.
The girls in the front are just happy about how tanned and skinny they look next to that enormous white butt.
Kevin’s passed out buried in the sand, Thomas is gloating and giving the finger, Jason is mooning the camera, the girls in the front are completely oblivious and the girls in the back are plotting to take off with the boat and pickup cute guys while everyone else is distracted.
Nothing, nothing at all.

Vote for the winning cleavage

2006-06-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: We have a winner (Joanne). And to all my friends who think I shouldn't give up the nomenclature, the objective public has spoken...Joanne won them all fair and square. Honorable mention to Kevin's Butt who tied for 5th place.

As I’m flipping through photos of our various misadventures looking for material to trash my friends with, I keep coming across pictures of my cleavage. Nope, not my cleavage with my head on top of it, just my cleavage. So, being as generous as I am, I think it’s about time I stop hogging the whole ‘boob’ nickname series and pass along my crown (at a minimum, I get to suck my friends into this objectification too). Vote for which cleavage you think should win and the mystery person who belongs to the winning cleavage will inherit all the ‘boob’ nomenclature. Poll closes Sunday, June 4th.

"Name The Baby" Pool

2006-05-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Baby boy born at 2:41am on 6/6/6 (making the picture to the right even more appropriate) weighing 5lbs 11oz. Turns out the father won the date pool and gets to keep the baby afterall (insider information). No one won the weight pool since little Damien (as he shall now be known) came in under everyone's weight guess.

So we all agreed that the person who is closest to baby Bain's birth weight without going over, gets to name the baby (this will be the nickname that everyone calls the baby from now on, regardless of what the parents actually call the baby). The person who is closest to baby Bain's birth date without going over, gets to keep the baby.

Contender	Weight	Baby Name	Date
Teresa	7lbs 9oz	Joe	June 23
Janine	8lbs 12oz	Chewbacca (Chewy)	June 25
Anessa	7lbs 5oz	Dillan	June 30
Karen	7lbs 6oz	Thor	June 28
Rob	?	Martie	?
LeeAnn	8lbs 4oz	Lloyd	July 1
Kevin	8lbs 5oz	Elmer	July 4
Jillian	8lbs 11oz	Little Bald Eagle	July 2
Chris	8lbs 3oz	Phlegm	June 26
Nancy	9lbs 2oz	Bok Choi	June 29
Thomas	8lbs 13oz	Rockwell	June 21
Mark	7lbs 1oz	Kellen	June 3

Important wakeboarding tips...

2006-05-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

Loading lots of wakeboards onto your wakeboarding rack, regardless of whether you use them on not, makes you look hella-cool.
If you catch a back edge so hard that you suspect you’ll have permanent back problems for the rest of your life, get back up immediately and catch a front edge…not only will it straighten everything back out, it will amuse your friends.
All those hella-cool flips that they make look really easy on my Higher Education wakeboarding instruction video…aren’t.
If you get a new rider who yells out ‘OK’ to signal that he’s ready to be pulled, even though he’s facing backwards, sideways or has the rope wrapped around his neck three times, it never stops being funny to imitate him every chance you get.
Those cheap orange life preservers can be tied around your thighs so that you can float around in the water and drink your beer at the same time.
When you’re floating around in the water with those cheap orange life preservers tied around your thighs and you ask your buddy on the boat to toss you another beer, make sure it’s a can, not a bottle, so that when they whip it at your head causing you to duck and miss the beer, it’ll float back up to the surface.
If one of your buddies is starting to get a lot better than you, pull them at 12 miles per hour so they don’t have enough speed to pull off cool tricks and swear up and down that you were pulling them at 21. You can always make up some excuse later like they must be hung-over and it just seems a lot slower or the speedometer must be broken or something.
Sex-lube works just as well as dish-soap for getting into your bindings only it smells a lot nicer when you crash so hard your board swings around behind you and kicks you in the back of the head.
Don’t let any of my friends drive the boat because they don’t pay attention when you’re waiting to get up and will drag you face-first through the water until they yank the rope right out of your hands, only to laugh at your ass when they realize what they just did.
Pulling off big tricks to impress your friends can be scary. Cranking really loud beats over your tubbies can help you get pumped up for big air. At a minimum, it'll muffle your screams when you crash badly. Some good scream-muffling tunes:

Prodigy, Smack My Bitch Up

Lyrics Born, Callin' Out

Anything on the Crystal Method Vegas CD

Groove Armada, Superstylin'

It all started when...

2006-05-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

...a bunch of average joes with dillusions of athleticism all independently signed up for flag-football fame with the Seattle Sports League on a team we called the Flanker Fly (we got that off a cheap sponge football with plays written on it because we couldn't think of anything better at the time).

OK, so the playing was a little weak but we showed strong drinking skills from the start. Who would have thought a bunch of random, moderately-athletic clowns, all with the same politically-incorrect-and-slightly-evil sense of humor would end up on the same team. We started out as the worst team in the league but hella-cool as we'd roll up with our portable BBQ and plastic cups of beer and call out plays like "hooray for boobies", "dirty sanchez", "short and curlies" and "f**ck it" (it was our best play).

Things were a little different back then... Mark was just a tiiiiiiiiiiny bit skinnier but with a much higher tolerance for alcohol. He had to be told several times not to bring his beer on the field while playing. This was the same guy who'd run around the room after a night of heavy drinking in Whistler yelling "Powder Alert, Powder Alert" to wake everyone up for snowboarding at 7am right before he'd crack a beer. Also the same guy who stopped to grab a 12-pack of beer at 9am while we were lost on our way up to Crystal for some snowboarding (consequently, I've discovered that I think I'm a better snowboarder when I'm drunk).

Mark wasn't the only one who was different back then. Ah those were the good old days, back when Kevin USED TO CUT HIS HAIR ONCE IN A WHILE! (Hey Kev, in case I haven't told you at least twice today, you need a hair cut!).

And we can't forget our little Anessa who finally looks like she's all grown up and graduated from high school even though she's a few years older than most of us (yeah, we hate her for that).

From there we started bringing more people in (lucky bastards described here) and branching out into more extreme sports like snowboarding and mountain biking and most recently, wakeboarding when Kevin got the notion to buy a $40k wakeboarding boat even though he'd tried twice and handn't been able to get up on a wakeboard (kinda reminds me of how he went out to get a quad amaricano the other day and "accidentally" came home with a new Shaun Murray wakeboard). Which brings us to where we are today...a bunch of random, moderately-athletic clowns with a lot more expensive sporting gear in our closets.

The Who's-Who "Map"

2006-05-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

(click image to enlarge)

Not stupid-just too important

2006-05-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a couple good pictures of me and Tit's-I would like to add that while I have been accused of being a poetry reciting lush-Tit's looks much more drunk than I do in these pictures. You will notice that I mispell a lot-this is not because I am stupid as Tit's would have you believe, (I have a Master's in Library and Information Science), but because I'm an extremely important local celebrity that doesn't have a lot of time to dilly dally with spell-check and the like on all of my fan-websites. I do have a charitable side too like all good celebrities and I try to eradicate ugliness whenever I see it-like right now I saw an ugly person passing by my house and I ran outside and threw a newspaper at the person. I'm just trying to do my part to make the world a better place-one troll at a time.

The Rockfish Mug

2006-05-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

We gave Kevin the following mug for his birthday so he isn't deprived of his quad americano in the morning...

Rockfish

Rockfishes (Sebastes sp.) are a diverse group of marine fishes with species inhabiting couches in and around the Puget Sound area with some individuals traveling as far North as Whistler, BC.

General description: Adult rockfishes typically describe themselves as pear shaped with pipe cleaner arms and legs but can range in size, depending on the time of year, from six-pack to beer-gut. These fish are characterized as tardy and have poor planning skills but will readily participate in activities planned by others. They are not considered a ‘catch’ but do have a great sense of humor, often tending toward the politically incorrect. Being a fish, they prefer liquid-based activities such as wakeboarding and drinking heavily and avoid soil-based activities such as mountain biking or landscaping.

Food habits: Rockfish feed on a variety of food items consisting primarily of entire large pizzas, schnitzel, rolls that have been licked by someone else, squeezable ketchup, and Corona.

1994, NOAA. Revised and reprinted 2006.

Chris

2006-04-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

Nicknames:

canibarro

Mad Skills:

Dancing with roller skates on
Tossing out random lingo that no body else understands like ‘hopping off chocolate chips’.
Coming up with cool baby names like ‘Phlegm’

Best Occupations:

Ambigously ethnic model
Mickey Mouse for Disney on Ice
Suicide bomber
Rapper

About Chris:

Despite the fact that chris has a tendency to look like one of the Sopranos in his photos it doesn't seem to deter people from assuming he's gay which causes Chris constant frustration (perhaps he should stop using the word 'scuzzi' in normal conversation). Although he doesn't drink too often (we're working on that) his Mr. Hyde side comes out full force on free vodka redbulls and he has the crew cracking up.

Teresa

2006-04-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

Nicknames:

T (in Seattle)
Tess (in Whistler)
The Kissing Bandit (she kisses a lot of boys...and we mean 'boys')
Port of Teresa (her home is a layover for people traveling to or from Whistler so feel free to stop in next time you're passing through)

Mad Skills:

Looking good in photos apparently (it's hard to find bad ones)
She can put her foot behind her head
Drinking consecutively for 5 months
Attracting boys less than half her age

Best Occupations:

High school counselor (until she gets arrested for dating the male students)
Selling "I know Tess" T-shirts in Whistler
Circus performer
Liver-donor for medical school student training
Keeping sports equipment companies in business

About Teresa:
The unofficial ambassador of Whistler and a would-be Canadian, Teresa 'winters' in Whistler (which they are considering renaming to Tessville) where she gets more days on the snow in one year than the rest of the shop wreckers have gotten in their life...combined. Unparalleled cradle-robbing skills required her friends to impose a rule that she only date boys whose parents are older than her. She's frequently roped into stunts she regrets later like drinking her way through the alphabet, catching a cab home at 8am wearing a red leather minidress and fishnets, and drinking non-stop Jager Bombs until she falls flat on her face in the middle of Whistler village and then insists on just leaving her there in the snow. She has a collection of baseball caps that rival Thomas's beanie collection and a snowboard collection that's even larger. She's reportedly had sex on Blackcomb gondola #69 so be careful where you sit next time you're there.

Nancy

2006-04-22T16:19:00.000-07:00

Nicknames:

Nancy pants

Mad Skills:

Asking rapid fire questions faster than you can answer them and believing your answers as truth even though you're probably not the right person to be asking in the first place (the answer is 3 Nancy, Mark and Katie will have 3 kids)

Best Occupations:

Kindergarten teacher
Professional poker player
Survivor contestant
Interrogator

About Nancy:
We suspect Nancy has a closet obsession with Princess Leia, as she has a tendency to wear her hair in side buns and nubbly-pigtail-thingies. Her innocent-little-girl giggle makes it even more frustrating when she takes away all your money in poker, even though she has no game face or strategy whatsoever (in fact, I don't think she even knows how to PLAY poker). She defies reason by doing better in marathons that she doesn't train for than the ones she does (...as an aside, she beat Mark in the last marathon they ran together...haha Mark) and is probably way too nice for the crowd she rolls with. Don't be fooled by the happy-kindergarten-teacher personality. It's a thin veil disguising Nancy's fierce competitive streak and she'd viciously rip your still-beating heart out if you walked in front of the TV while she's watching one of the X-Men movies.

Karen

2006-04-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

Nicknames:

Whoa (Part of the 'o' nickname series. The noise she makes when snowboarding or mountain biking...and probably wakeboarding too but we can't hear her)
Donkey (talks non-stop like the donkey on Shrek, especially in the morning)
Punani (makes a lot of 'accidental' appearances)
The Ass (her booty has a mind of it’s own and shakes around freely at will)
Ragdoll (she goes down like one when she crashes wakeboarding)

Mad Skills:

Blowing 'gut felt' onion and garlic burps in other people’s faces
Talking to herself
She can make the 'west side' symbol with her hand

Best Occupations:

TV Talk show host for "Wild On"
Professional booty shaker at Venom
Asian chef
Suicide hot line therapist

About Karen:
Karen is a hottie who has a tendency to leave boys jaws sagging. She likes to clean, ejoys talking about flatulence, watches Nip Tuck, does this "duck look" where she presses her lips together and out. She likes to go bra-less (and underwear-less which is why we keep getting those 'accidental' punani shots) and went to a "good Lutheren" school where she apparently learned nothing. Growing up as an only child, Karen has become very adept at talking to herself...in fact she does it constantly. If Karen isn't talking (a trait that earned her the nickname Donkey), it means she's probably doing some athletic activity which requires her to conserve her breath and she reverts to grunts, squeels and short words which earned her the nickname 'whoa'. Karen has been dating Thomas for two years now but hasn’t yet realized that Thomas is actually asian.

LeeAnn

2006-04-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Nicknames:

Ho (part of the 'o' series of nicknames. She was dating a lot of different men at the time, one of whom we like to refer to as 'shocking' - think 'like a salamander licking a burrito')
Leon (kinda sounds like LeeAnn)

Mad Skills:

Hurting herself
Making the rock-on sign with her hands
Although we've never asked her to demonstrate, we assume she can probably put her entire fist in her mouth after dating 'shocking'

Best Occupations:

Pet psychologist
Human life-preserver (that big butt of hers floats)
Serial killer

Song that Best Defines LeeAnn:
Eminem's Ass Like That. The full lyric is "I ain't never seen an ass like that". LeeAnn doesn't really have a big ass, it's actually kinda tiny but this all started when she was hogging up a seat and it's been a never ending source of entertainment to make fun of her ass since...and this is yet another gratuitous jab.

About LeeAnn:
The proud owner of one-and-three-quarter cats (one of them isn't so car smart). LeeAnn defines the concept of a shoe fetish when she feels morally torn about spending $150 for 6 articles of clothing but won't deliberate for a second on dropping $550 on a pair of Jimmy Choos. LeeAnn has an obsession with 80s metal bands that most of us grew out of in high school. She dates guys with weird names (she orders men like her food, she's always gotta have the most exotic thing on the menu). Despite having such a gargantuan derriere, LeeAnn still manages to fit down the single-track trails on her mountain bike.

Thomas

2006-04-22T09:19:00.002-07:00

Nicknames:

Slow (Part of the 'o' nickname series. He's slow to strap into his snowboard)
Blacky Chan (he wins the tanning competition every summer)
Lips (he has massive lips)

Mad Skills:

Giving the finger
Sticking his head in front of other people in photos
Pulling crazy faces

Best Occupations:

Porn star
Sperm donor
Replacement for Carson on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Interior decorator

About Thomas:

Thomas has a keen eye for color and an embarrassingly-large collection of beanies. He spends his spare time fondling himself, either on or off camera and is a total photo-whore who takes every opportunity to 'pull a face' or stick his mug into someone else's photos. He uses the word "bomb" a lot and stares blankly at people who say dumb things (some day we may find out what he's actually thinking). The man can dance! He moves those hips like Shakira but has yet to come out of the closet and admit that he's metrosexual (we're still working on it).

Janine

2006-04-22T09:19:00.001-07:00

Nicknames:

Yo (because she wanted to rhyme with her homies Flow, Slow, Ho and Whoa and couldn't come up with anything better)
J9 (how her name is spelled Ja-nine)
Tits, Tits McGee, Boobs or anything referring to 'the twins' (self-explanatory)
Smelly Pirate Hooker (usually yelled by Kevin in public places followed by 'get me a beer' followed by Janine laughing hysterically)
Boob Villa (because she's handy around the house)

Mad Skills:

Queen of the wakeboard faceplant
Has a tendency to look drunk in all her photos even if she isn't (most of the time she is...)
Can shatter a martini glass with her breast
Sag-defying boobs, even with all her "bouncy" sports
Keeping up with Rockfish drinking

Best Occupations:

Naked handywoman
Snowboard instructor
Sociopathic P.E. coach
West Elm catalog customer service operator
Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant (the only other man-eater that may have more energy and cause more scandals than her)
Angelina Jolie's travel agent/adoption coordinator

Song That Best Defines Janine:

My Humps from the Black Eyed Peas. Those jubblies deserve a song about them.

About Janine:

This rare breed has Queen-Bee-latent tendencies that are exhibited by forcing her adrenaline (perhaps suicidal) junkie tendencies onto her friends by making them drink too much, sleep too little, and obsessively engage in dangerous sports she knows they aren't cut out for. She wishes her hair were as big as her boobs and she wears no makeup but has incredibly 'girly' nails for a tomboy. She tends to attract barely-legal young men while jogging or perverts at the local Starbucks. She owns a Rockfish that she verbally abuses about it's excessive hair growth (even though she swears to be affiliated with several animal rights organizations) and is planning to adopt children that are helpful around the house (...they'll be busy since she has MANY home improvement projects going on at all times). She secretly loves pissing girls off by complaining about being "fat" at a size 6 (whatever Nicole Ritchie) and must be a closet lesbian (much to the chagrin of her male admirers) since she enjoys extreme sports and Home Depot way too much.

Kevin

2006-04-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

Nicknames:

Flow (part of the 'o' series of nicknames. Kevin was sporting Flow bindings)
Rockfish (he claims he's a catch, we claim he's a rockfish - the kind of fish you throw back)
Tight Shirt Man (acquired while drunk and wearing Janine's tight belly shirt at Cresent Bar)

Mad Skills:

Eating an entire large pizza and 6 root beers in one sitting
Dreaming up jobs he would hire midgets for
Mooning people

Best Occupations:

Hair replacement donor
Comedian
Lobbyist for alcohol
Short-film director

Song That Best Describes Kevin:

Smack My Bitch Up by Prodigy. Kevin is the least-likely person to ever smack anybody for that matter, but that makes it all the funnier when strangers jaws drop as he yells "woman, get me a beer" to his female friends at the top of his lungs in public places.

About Kevin:
Self-described as pear-shaped with pipe-cleaner arms and legs, he once tried to resuscitate a half-inflated snowman outside a gas station and called Jack Black on the way to Whistler to tell him it was time for Jack to put out a new CD. He's the clear instigator in the group and notorious for almost getting his friends kicked out of places you wouldn't have thought possible like a double-decker tour bus in New York. If there's one thing you can count on Kevin for, it's that he'll be late...really late. The stereotypical class clown, he sports tight-fitting women's clothing for laughs, stands on things like tables and phonebooths when he's drunk and makes proclimations to anyone who'll listen. His loud demands of 'woman, get me a beer' to his female friends in public places go completely ignored.

Glossary of Terms

2006-04-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

Term	Definition
Balloon knot	Another term for a butt hole because a butt hole looks a lot like a balloon knot. Also a nickname for Jillian.
Cudouche	A cross between that nasty 4-letter word that starts with a 'c' and douche. Kevin makes this shit up.
Eye-peeler	a wakeboarding wipeout where your face hits the water so hard it peels your eyelids back (yes, this really does happen).
FHG	A Jack Black song titled F@#k Her Gently (it's really about the opposite). Also the name of the wakeboarding boat that Kevin and Janine own.
Muff Snuff	The equivalent of a cock block but instead of blocking a guy, a girl is being blocked.
There's a bear in your cave	You have a booger in your nose. If you're anything like Karen, sometimes there may be a whole clan.
Wrecking shop	Taking a dump.
Yard sale	A snowboarding wipeout where all your gear (hat, goggles, etc.) go flying off and are lying around on the snow like it's a yard sale.

The "What's Going On In This Photo?" Series

2006-04-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Check out the full series to date of "What's Going On In This Photo?" posts and feel free to add your own explanation in the comments...

Picture 1 (guy buried in sand?)
Picture 2 (girl pushing guy away?)
Picture 3 (girl running away from guy?)
Picture 4 (guys making faces?)
Picture 5 (girl spanking her butt?)

wrecking shop

Who is this J9 anyway?

Tour de Bar - Last Year's Recap

Too cool for school...

The Twins

The Legend of Rob Burgandy

Breaking News: June 20, 2006

Reasons you should never have an Asian Trail Guide

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 5)

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 4)

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 3)

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 2)

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 1)

Vote for the winning cleavage

"Name The Baby" Pool

Important wakeboarding tips...

Top 10 reasons why you should read this blog...

It all started when...

The Who's-Who "Map"

Not stupid-just too important

The Rockfish Mug

Chris

Teresa

Nancy

Karen

LeeAnn

Thomas

Janine

Kevin

Glossary of Terms

The "What's Going On In This Photo?" Series