Who is this J9 anyway?
I was born into the slave trade in Asia where I grew up under a strict but compassionate master. From the time I could stand, I worked in the rice fields picking up stray grains of rice individually with twigs of straw which developed my ability to snatch flies out of the air with chopsticks (comes in handy at Sushi restaurants). Despite having grown up in Asia, I never could get the hang of the language and learned English by sneaking into a nearby military base and listening to American songs on the radio.
When I was 14, while working the fields, I accidentally fell into a passing farmers boat piled high with cabbage and couldn’t dig myself out. As it turns out, that pile of cabbage was headed for a larger boat that was bound for America, and me with it. For two months, I ate nothing but cabbage (it gives you terrible gas and to this day, if I even look at coleslaw I almost fart). When I arrived in the US, I quickly found out that although my English was quite good, having learned from radio, I only knew how to ‘sing’ in English and couldn’t actually ‘speak’ it so decided I needed to learn more and began reading cereal boxes and other food packaging which allowed me to develop a deep understanding of the caloric intake of food and landed me a job with the Surgeon General. My first assignment was to develop recommendations for a proper diet to be published as an eating guideline for America. I came up with the idea of a food pyramid and having grown up with measly scraps, I recommended outrageous portions of meat, fish, dairy and grains (no cabbage) to satiate my desire for the abundance of food available in this country.
Feeling as though I’d contributed all I could to the Surgeon General, I decided it was time to move on and contemplate my next career. I wandered into what looked like a nice park and sat on the well manicured grass and thought about becoming an airplane repo-woman (despite the fact that I had no idea how to fly and had never even been on a plane. In fact, I couldn’t even make a decent paper airplane as it would always swoop back straight at me when I tried to throw it). That’s when I got hit in the head with the golf ball which turned out to be another fortunate stroke of luck. A nice man named Arnold Palmer rushed over to see if I was OK and apologized profusely. When I inquired about what he was doing with the club and the white ball, he offered to teach me and asked me to join him and his friends. As it turns out, I had a natural gift for the game of golf and was soon playing on the LPGA tour until I had a very unfortunate run in with a slightly mad squirrel with oversized teeth. After several plastic surgeries to repair the scars, I emerged not as the flat-chested brunette I was before, but now a busty blonde and have since dedicated my life to providing mental support to disgruntled rodents who have been displaced as a result of golf course developments.
A true fact about me: The first two times I was in an airplane, I never landed.
posted by J9 at 5:12 PM
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