Who is this J9 anyway?

I was born into the slave trade in Asia where I grew up under a strict but compassionate master. From the time I could stand, I worked in the rice fields picking up stray grains of rice individually with twigs of straw which developed my ability to snatch flies out of the air with chopsticks (comes in handy at Sushi restaurants). Despite having grown up in Asia, I never could get the hang of the language and learned English by sneaking into a nearby military base and listening to American songs on the radio.

When I was 14, while working the fields, I accidentally fell into a passing farmers boat piled high with cabbage and couldn’t dig myself out. As it turns out, that pile of cabbage was headed for a larger boat that was bound for America, and me with it. For two months, I ate nothing but cabbage (it gives you terrible gas and to this day, if I even look at coleslaw I almost fart). When I arrived in the US, I quickly found out that although my English was quite good, having learned from radio, I only knew how to ‘sing’ in English and couldn’t actually ‘speak’ it so decided I needed to learn more and began reading cereal boxes and other food packaging which allowed me to develop a deep understanding of the caloric intake of food and landed me a job with the Surgeon General. My first assignment was to develop recommendations for a proper diet to be published as an eating guideline for America. I came up with the idea of a food pyramid and having grown up with measly scraps, I recommended outrageous portions of meat, fish, dairy and grains (no cabbage) to satiate my desire for the abundance of food available in this country.

Feeling as though I’d contributed all I could to the Surgeon General, I decided it was time to move on and contemplate my next career. I wandered into what looked like a nice park and sat on the well manicured grass and thought about becoming an airplane repo-woman (despite the fact that I had no idea how to fly and had never even been on a plane. In fact, I couldn’t even make a decent paper airplane as it would always swoop back straight at me when I tried to throw it). That’s when I got hit in the head with the golf ball which turned out to be another fortunate stroke of luck. A nice man named Arnold Palmer rushed over to see if I was OK and apologized profusely. When I inquired about what he was doing with the club and the white ball, he offered to teach me and asked me to join him and his friends. As it turns out, I had a natural gift for the game of golf and was soon playing on the LPGA tour until I had a very unfortunate run in with a slightly mad squirrel with oversized teeth. After several plastic surgeries to repair the scars, I emerged not as the flat-chested brunette I was before, but now a busty blonde and have since dedicated my life to providing mental support to disgruntled rodents who have been displaced as a result of golf course developments.

A true fact about me: The first two times I was in an airplane, I never landed.

Tour de Bar - Last Year's Recap

9 pints of beer $45.00

Band-Aids $2.50

Repairing 2 flat tires $16.00

Watching Matt go flying over the handlebars of the BMX bike he had when he was 8 during 'tour de bar' last year...priceless

A little recap of last year...

Bar 1: 50 sober people show up at a pub at 1pm and neatly stack and lock up their bikes and proceed to drink a pint.

Bar 2: The same 50 people take off at the same time from bar 1 and ride to bar 2, taking up the whole road on their way and annoying drivers. They stack and lock their bikes neatly and proceed to drink a pint.

Bar 3: A small group of troublemakers start racing ahead of the rest to be the first to get a pint at the next bar. They still neatly stack their bikes but can't be bothered to lock them. The rest of the crowd is a few minutes behind and they all proceed to drink a pint.

Bar 4: Now buzzing, the trouble-crew takes off to the next bar where they toss their bikes into a pile and proceed to chug a pint. Everyone is now sporting name tags with lines like 'your cock wakes me up in the morning' and 'ask me about circus tricks' and 'my headlights are on'.

Bar 5: After untangling their bikes from the massive pile, the trouble-crew race off to the next bar and somewhere along the way, Matt loses control of his ridiculously-small BMX bike and takes a header over the handlebars...his friends laugh at him and proceed to chug a pint.

Bar 6: Now drunk, the trouble-crew is 10 minutes ahead of the rest. They arrive at the next bar where Donkey and J9 nearly get them kicked out for spraying beer on each other. The rest of the gang, arriving 10 minutes later, gets glares from waitstaff despite their complete innocence.

Bar 7: Drunk, J9 hops off a curb right into Tom's bike and wipes Tom out. His friends laugh at him. A very loud and very obnoxious trouble-crew roll into bar 7 and proceed to chug a pint.

Bar 8: Tom pulls up to the Wing Dome, trying to look cool and wipes out, for no reason at all, in front of a crowd of people sitting on the patio. Matt goes into a wobble and loses control of his BMX and does another superman over the handlebars and J9 brakes hard and ends up with two flat tires. Their friends all laugh at them and proceed to chug a pint. The trouble-crew starts a watergun fight on the patio and nearly gets kicked out.

Bar 9: We never made it to bar 9...we were too drunk.

Suffice to say, we didn't get invited back this year...so we're having our OWN! (pictures of the drunkenness to follow)

Too cool for school...

Need I say more?

The Twins

We’d like to welcome a couple newcomers…Jillian’s twin girls (Mary Kate and Ashley) who were implanted on Thursday June 29th and are recovering well. Jillian describes them as a ‘spillover C’ but we’ll give you an opportunity to judge for yourself.

Jill, I hope this wasn’t induced by your complete and utter slaughter in the cleavage contest, even losing out to Kevin’s ass…

(the following is just an example before and after and not actually Jillian...we expect the real before and after to be considerably more ridiculous)

The Legend of Rob Burgandy

His name was Rob Burgandy. He was a like a god walking among mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Rob Burgandy was the balls!

Whether dancing around cops in Whistler, cigarette in hand... showing off his standing 720's... or pulling a mitchell and backing out of things he swore he'd show up to... you can always hear Rob Burgandy blaring out his catch phrase, with barely a hint of a drunken slur... "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" Things were going well for Rob to say the least.

...and then he made a bet. And lost! Perhaps the chance of winning and having J9 show up in nothing but bikini bottoms and pasties to serve him and his friends drinks for an evening was too much to not go for it. But quitting smoking for 30 days is hard. Even harder when you're a borderline alcoholic. I guess rich mahogany and Merlin Olsen weren't enough this time, because it was too hard for Rob Burgandy. The photos from the resulting car wash explain everything.

Breaking News: June 20, 2006

Breaking news - Seattle, WA
Just discovered today... Jillian and Tom will apparently be unveiling a new porn dvd. This reporter was provided a photo from their press packet, and based on this I can only assume the dvd will be titled "Two cheeseballs who love having their picture taken." Considering that neither Tom nor Jillian have spontaneously called me in the last 5 minutes to deny this startling accusation, this reporter can only assume all statements above are 100% true and accurate. My next step will of course be to notify Jill's husband and Tom's girlfriend of my startling discovery, and then hide outside their windows to see if I can get any good footage of them fighting... or watching tv or something. I wonder if it's still against the law to be a peeping tom if you know the people you're peeping on... and they're not doing anything good anyway. Oh well... we'll find out.

Reasons you should never have an Asian Trail Guide

June 29th, 2006

Last night went for a bike ride with Tom. Enough said. I have heard stories of him getting people lost and winding up miles from where they were supposed to be, but didn't think last night would be my night? Tom will say that we weren't lost. I agree we were not lost but after hearing him say "Oh this doesn't look familiar? Don't remember it looking like this? or Just a little farther we are almost there." (It was never just a little bit farther) I got a little worried.

Our journey began at about 7pm on a small uphill at Tiger Mountain. Already tired he says to me, "ok are you ready?" I say 'yes' and that is when the bomb drops. He says, "ok 3 miles straight up." It is like Tolt on crack! My jaw drops and the phrase, "What the F^%*&*( r u crazy? I can't believe you waited to tell me that now!" comes out of my mouth. We proceed to ride up this gravel service road for 3 miles. I am riding and walking, mostly walking b/c my legs are so shot from 2 intense days of leg workouts, running, and those lunge things Janine had us do.

So we proceed up and Tom keeps saying, "Just a little bit longer, we are almost there." That phrase seemed to be the phrase o' the entire ride. Funny thing is....we were never almost there. We hit a point on the hill and I could see a marker up ahead that says either mile 15 or mile 1.5. I tell him that if the marker says 1.5 ' I am going to kill him.' He rides up ahead to check out the marker. Smart guy he knows death is coming. I catch up and sure enough it says. "Mile 1.5." I can't believe at this point we have only made it half way! I proceed to call Janine, leave her a voicemail of where to find Tom's body b/c I am going to kill him, but want to be curteous enough that someone will find his dead rotting carcas. As we proceed, Tom all of a sudden becomes very chipper. He starts to talk about the rewards of doing this bike ride and to think about those rewards and it will push me to make it to the top. So I tell him, "Ya know you are right. Doing this bike ride makes me think about what I get to eat when I am done(never had dinner btw), how smokin I will look in a bikini, all the while plotting your death for making go up this god awful hill." He looks to me and says, "whatever gets you up the hill baby. If plotting my death works then go with it." Man that is love ;) Haa haa

So we FINALLY get to the start of the fun trail. I think GREAT! Let's go! Tom says, "Hmmm...doesn't look like the trail I remember? The trail I usually go on looks different than this." I am about to freak out at this point, but I keep my cool. I didn't just leave both my lungs and legs on that 3 mile ride up to hear Tom say, "Hmmm this doesn't look right." So we take the trail and it was a blast. It was riding I have never done before. Huge roots, rocks, jumps etc. I was amazed at myself and the bike. It was hardcore off roading. This trail is what this bike was made for.

The trail turned out to be a little longer than Tom had expected (big surprise) and as we are riding he says that we need to keep moving b/c it is getting dark. We fly down the trails but it is too late, it is getting dark.

We come to the end of the trail, hit the gravel service road and Tom says, " Hmmm this doesn't seem right." OMG! So we take the road and start riding...for a while. I am really starting to run out of steam. Tom rides up ahead b/c I get the feeling he doesn't know where we are at. Yep turns out he is getting worried himself as he tells me later. He rides up ahead, I catch up and there he is at the mouth of another trail. He says to me, "This is the trail that I know. I know this trail will for sure take us back to the car." I don't know wheather to believe him or not at this point, but I take it anyways b/c it is getting dark and god knows what critters live up on Tiger Mountain. We ride the trail. I could have sworn the marker said it was only 1 mile. Nope it was more like 3-4 miles. The trail was pretty much pitch black except for Tom's little light that attached to the handle bars. I have to admit...I was HATING the bike ride at this point. I couldn't see, I was utterly exhausted and I was getting nervous about what animals could or would attack me. I think I said the word SH&^&* and F&%&* 50 times back to back.

We got to a point on the trail and I had enough. Literally threw my bike to the side and had to walk away for a moment or I was going to kill Tom. A few moments later I get back on the bike. A little ways down, we stop again and Tom says, "We are almost there, just a little bit farther." I then say to Tom in my most calm voice yet. "Baby don't take this the wrong way, but if I hear you say ' we are almost there, just a little bit farther ' one more time I am going to blow up, b/c we are NEVER almost there. Almost there means we have another 3 miles."

We finally make it back to the car. It is now 10:00pm. At this point can't even show any emotion. I am so hungry and worn out that I have a limp and have shut down. I basically direct Tom to Taco Time so I can have the worlds largest burrito. On the way home. Tom says that he is sorry. I feel bad b/c I know he didn't mean to put me through boot camp hell, but it was just too much after the 2 days before of hard core leg and cardio work outs.

I make it home and pass out from biking god knows how many miles and eating the worlds largest burrito. I am now sore, tired and fat. Life is good...but have learned to never have an Asian biking trail leader on Tiger Mountain.

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 5)

1. She wants to know if the thong makes her butt look fat
2. She's about to demonstrate the proper technique to execute a cannonball
3. She's just trying to earn a little extra cash, is all
4. She’s re-enacting scenes from last night at cowgirls

What's Going On In This Photo? (Picture 4)

1. The guy in the middle just announced he has an 11” penis
2. The guy on the left asked the other guys if they’d like to ‘come over some time and maybe practice a little pitching and catching…’ The guy in the back seems interested (or he just didn’t get it).
3. The guy on the left just farted, the guy on the right just smelt it, and the guy in the back hasn’t yet…but is about to.
4. The guy in the middle has super long arms and is giving the guy on each end a "reach around."